The body slam of thee Quarter Century

(On me: Cotton Candy Leopard Fur Coat, Rodarte for Target Swiss Dot Dress, Aldo Nude Pumps, Banana Republic Gold Ring, Vintage Clip on Earrings and backpack. On Ursula: Secondhand Polka Dot Dress, Vintage Fur Coat, Jessica Simpson Lace-up Platform, Vintage Bag, Birthmark from Ortude Dial. On Ronnie: La Merde Jacket, H&M Jeans. On Everyone: Rented Ice skates) 

25th Birthday in Chicago

1. Showed up, Ursula still at work, buzzed myself in

2. Oscar peed on bathroom floor and I stepped in it

3. Drank bottle of Sauvignon Blanc out of beer mugs

4. Fell asleep spooning

5. Woke up an hour later to a beautiful man in striped panties jumping on us

6. Stepped in dog pee again

7. Woke up at 8 am to Ursula quitting her job of harassing people at Home Depot with frat boys

8. Decided to go Ice Skating

9. Started putting on fake eyelashes

10. Dug through tons of "perfect figure skating dresses"

11. Make-shift alterations with safety pins and broaches to make my dress fit

12. Make-shift alterations to Ursula's Yellow Guatemalan Satin Dress

13.  Removal of all make-shift alterations

14. Tried on onsies from White Fang movie set, Ursula tried on four pairs of shoes with 3 fancy dresses

15. Ronnie grumbled about annoying girls to the elephant stool perched in his corner

16. Re-safety pinned dresses

17. Finally caught the bus to catch the train

18. Harassed by man pretending to be deaf, trying to give calenders with Roses on them to Ursula, after fifteen minutes of said man departed to buy the perfect figure skating sparkly nude tights at Macy's

19. Went to bathroom to change to tights, schizophrenic woman yelling at herself in the mirror of bathroom

20. Bought fruigurt smoothie, sushi and hard sandwich from food court

21. Ursula gets harassed by 2 eldery women in sequin hats with no feet wondering how she wears such tall shoes

21. Returned hard sandwich, Ronnie gets Ursula's $5.95 back.

22. Arrived at Millennium Park Ice Skating rink, have a panic attack at the million people surrounding rink from above, on and around....surrounding on all sides

23. Forced ourselves to rent skates

24. Upon getting two feet onto the rink, Ursula flashes her coslopis and sparkling tights to the millions of spectators above and beyond

25. PHOTO SHOOT

26. Twirled in the middle of the ice skating rink

27. Upon second circle through stopped for more cell phone photos to send to Momma J

28. Held Ursula's hand so she wouldn't fall

29. Hand holding party gets severely interrupted by adolescent boy plowing blades half way up shiny tights knocking into my fancy gold ring...brought Ursula down again with me.

30. Ursula tracks down said boy and forces him to apologize for his beahvior.

31. I run away from boy.

32. Return skates, exit park

33. Approach cross walk, Ursula bites the dust again. Laughter.

34. PHOTO SHOOT dirty legs

35. Harassed by Old Navy preacher with microphone and mini amp, who says if you smoke cigarettes (we don't) and/or are a homosexual (we are) that we will go to hell.  Ronnie flips the bird, wiggles his booty and exclaims "Fuck-a yaou-a."  Ursula and I are grab hands and smooch to spite him.

36.  Wiped Ursula's red lipstick off, crossed the street

37.  Crazy parade of young conservatives with megaphones and banners harass us, screaming and calling us consumers who shouldn't have bare legs in winter.

38. Enter Zara

39. Zara employee giggles at Ursula's dirty knees and tells me I look beautiful.  YAY! It's my birthday!

40. Buy sequin striped t-shirt saying "A Life in Art" because I unfolded it.  

41. Drink Earl G(r)ey Vanilla Creme

42. Enter train station

43. Putting tickets into the turn style, everyone made it through but one- Ursula.  Cracked out homeless man pushes Ursula through turn style and demands she give him $2 for letting her through....cracked out man follows us onto the train, demanding the $2, Ronnie has a verbal fit and spills drink all over himself.

44. After coming to a gradual realization we had no dollars, he departed the train much to our delight

45. Exit train

46. Start to walk home...Ronnie says "See that next light? Do you see it? That's our house..." GOOD. Our feet hurt from walking 4" heels.

47. Ursula falls again.

48. Five blocks later, Ursula falls again, Ronnie says "See that next light? That's our house...." He's full of lies.

49. 8,752,838,537 blocks later we arrive home.

50. THE END.